It's me, hi. Like a relic from my abandoned years of dieting, I have continued to set a new benchmark for myself to "get back on the horse" (or is it supposed to be the wagon?) and publish on here routinely again. Those dates have continued to pass me by. I'd love to tell you that I'm here today because I finally let go of there “needing” to be a meaning behind resuming my routine, but (speaking of benchmarks) I recently celebrated my birthday, and I know it played a role in resetting. A dear friend called it poetic to have a birthday so close to New Year's, and while I'm not sure I agree, I do appreciate that there is a collective wave of asking, "What do I want out of this year?" that occurs 10 days prior to starting a new year of my own life.
This birthday, I have experienced more people than usual asking me, "What does it feel like to be 34? What does it mean to you?" I continue to reply, "I don't know." Is 34 "supposed" to mean something? I've gotten out of the habit of caring much about the number. Once I turned 30, I remember relaxing, feeling that the way I'd been longing to live all my life finally seemed "appropriate" -- less need for excuses to get out of bar hopping and more opportunities to get coffee with friends and geek out about the best book we recently read. So, in a Substack Return for my Solar Return, here are 34 things I might tell you or ask you if we were getting coffee today, if you came to sleepover and we stayed up til 3am snacking and gabbing.
After throwing a very nerdy and very fun Taylor Swift themed birthday party, I feel a pull to "touch grass" or "grow up" this calendar year. When do we allow ourselves to be lost in the whimsy of a current obsession? When does it feel overindulgent or addictive?
Speaking of obsessions, it's seven years in and I'm still so obsessed with my dog. How's yours doing? Show me 50 pictures before our lattes get cold.
My remaining to-do list for the house is barebones these days. After six months of intensely focusing on it, I have run out of things that are in our budget to accomplish, that are necessary this time of year, or that felt important to me as a starting place for nesting here. As I sink into our new couches and exhale deeply, I feel adrift, and I start to consider old routines that grew dusty on the shelf last year. I wonder whether any of them will make a reappearance this year.
There is something occurring that is bringing me back to things that were front of mind 5 years ago: minimalism, cooking, listening to music other than Taylor Swift, working with a group of people and not by / for myself, refocused boycotting, dating, wiggling out of leadership roles. What are you finding yourself returning to in a full circle way?
I want to enjoy seasonal walking more this year, and I most enjoy watching the seasons change along the rivers in Pittsburgh. What are your favorite river walks if you're local to the area?
Who are you listening to on repeat right now? What do you think you're drawn to about their music in particular? I’m putting Ani DiFranco on repeat 15 years after I first heard of her, and I wish it hadn't took so long.
What winter coat do you swear by and where can I buy one? It is officially too cold to continue burying my head in the sand about the fact that I have just a fleece zip up to get me by.
I want a doughnut from Portland or Seattle in the worst way. No matter what coffee shop I'm sitting in with you, I strongly suspect the pastry is disappointing me because it isn't one of these.
No matter what I said about returning to things from five years ago, one thing that never changed all that time was how much I love the PNW. I haven't even been back for a full month, and I'm still itching to get on a flight that lands in SeaTac. Can I tell you another story about it? Show you another photo?
What are you reading? Can I borrow it when you're done?
On second thought, don't let me borrow anything until I've read all the books I need to return to the library.
When do you take your holiday decorations down? I leave mine up until at least January 31 because I'm celebrating winter instead of Jesus or Santa. Sometimes I even leave them up until the Spring Equinox.
Forget about capitalism for a sec and tell me what you think about Valentine's Day. All her merits and flaws. No matter what you say, you might get a Valentine's post card from me anyway because I love you.
How much power should a birthday girl have, really? At dinner with my family, I felt the urge to ban NFL conversation from the table (fresh Steelers agony be damned), but I invited myself to daydream or talk to my mom about my friends instead.
How the fuck do you resume dating endeavors after learning so much about your patterns as a person, whether framed as attachment issues or family roles or something else? I find myself distrusting my own attractions, holding them under a microscope trying to sus out whether it would "just be repeating the same old shit," holding myself in front of the mirror and asking whether that matters, whether there isn't something I could learn from a reprise.
Do you think it's possible to breakup with Meta and all the apps it houses with the way our modern world distributes and consumes information these days? What would it look like? I dream of cutting off from it in the severest of ways and then ask myself if I need to be so drastic.
I'm thinking of picking up The Artist's Way again. I'm wondering if I need Julia Cameron to function for my creativity or whether I've grown enough to forge ahead without her.
I'm sick of hearing about football (because I'm cutoff from it), Wicked (even though I love it), and diet culture (hi, reactivity). What are you tired of talking about? What topics feel like obligatory engagement to you right now?
I love my sweatpants from the clearance rack at Eddie Bauer and can't seem to stop wearing them long enough to put them through the wash. What piece of clothing are you living in this season?
What's the best birthday gift you got on your last birthday?
If you avoid your birthday, why? If you're obsessed with your birthday, why? And what is the most over-the-top thing you have ever done to celebrate?
Are you resisting AI? I am dodging it like it's a zombie apocalypse. I glare at the little ✨ symbol that appears in almost every app now and wait for it to jump out of the screen and infect my brain.
What's something new you learned about your family recently? Yesterday my parents were describing why they didn't go to college, and I was so seated. I have a thousand more questions for them about so many things, and as some of my childhood classmates start losing their parents, I'm increasingly filled with a panic about whether I will have time to ask all my questions or not.
What is the best real life love story you know?
What is your favorite rom com? I watch The Holiday every winter and I never regret it.
If you're sleeping over, what snacks did you bring? BESTIE SNACK KNOWLEDGE IS SO IMPORTANT; I DON'T MAKE THE RULES.
In honor of how I recently realized traveling with besties is the best thing ever: We have unlimited money, where are we getting on a plane together and what are we doing when we get there? I pick Ireland, no Italy. No, Poland! Just kidding, I mean New Zealand. I mean Iceland...I mean...
When is the last time you made something with your hands? What was it? I made friendship bracelets with friends this weekend and I want to keep doing it even in the nursing home. It's silly, it's low stakes, it's cute, it's easy, it's something I'll never outgrow, a way to say: you matter to me, don't forget it.
If we made a Dance Moms pyramid of Pittsburgh neighborhoods, what would yours look like?
What is your favorite recipe to make? Can I have it or is it a family secret? I have one from a crush I can't seem to get right without her. I have one from my sister's in-laws I can't wait to try.
I have slid into asking more questions than sharing, and I don't know whether that is genuinely who I am -- Ash Who Loves to Ask Questions -- or a hazard of my job, to nod along and Be Here for You and hide behind Being Here For You. Maybe that depends on the day. Other days I worry I talk too much, take up too much space, don't ask you enough about yourself.
Or maybe this sounds like my script for a first date, but honestly why do first dates get all the best questions, and why don't we save the best questions for our best friends instead?
What song should I listen to on the drive home?
When can I see you again?
XOXOXO,
Ash 💛